7/22/09

Tired, frustrated, confused, not knowing which way to turn....

....yep, that about says it all. Tired not so much physically as mentally but you get the picture. What's causing this dreary set of emotions? Other than trying to live with 6 kids day in and day out? Ha! Seriously, my kids are great, they really are, but there's so many of them and so little space in this house! Rainy days like today really magnify that! There's so much NOISE in this house, too, so that isn't helping. Baby crying, toddler wailing or babbling, big kids singing or fighting (of which they do more of the latter -- and John can REALLY wail -- unless you're talking about Elizabeth who does more of the former), and electronic devices running....it really gets to a person after a while (or at least it gets to me after a while). Throw in a phone call and doctor's appointment every now and then and occasionally the running of the washing machine and/or dryer which set in our kitchen so therefore cannot be ignored, and I feel like I live in the zoo! This, in and of itself, while an accurate description of my day, is not necessarily what has me confused and not knowing which way to turn. You see, there's this monkey on my back that I'd really like to get rid of but he's a stubborn little buggar! Amidst all this chaos, I'm supposed to be teaching my kids at home, remember? Sure, we didn't have a stellar year but I'm over that now. No one is pregnant around this house and Lydia is on a pretty predictable schedule except when she's not breathing correctly. So, I thought, after my Mom left, we'd "test drive" what life would be like with 6 of them here & trying to homeschool at the same time. Didn't have any lofty goals other than getting Caleb reading on a first grade level. Just wanted to get up in the morning and spend an hour MAX on school work (it's summer after all). Wanted to see us get into a routine with waking up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and doing school. Wanted to prove to myself (and those around me who seem to be waiting for me to fail) that I COULD do it, that I could take care of 6 kids (after all, it's not like they're NOT mine!) and homeschool them, too. Many, many, MANY other large families homeschool succesfully so why can't I? Can't really answer that question but our 2 week experiment certainly seems to be failing. Haven't gotten a lick of stuff done with anyone other than Nathan and it's not like my house is spectacularly cleaned, either. In fact, it's quite the contrary....So, here I am again, beating this dead horse. Except now I really don't think I can do it anymore. With quite the lump in my throat, I'm afraid it might be time to admit that I can't give my kids a decent education, operate a household with 8 people in it, and live to tell the tale. But what's the alternative? They have to go to school, right? That brings in a whole bunch of other questions.... Nathan's already mentioned being afraid of going to school -- afraid of bullies (his words, not mine), afraid of being made fun of, afraid of being overwhelmed with middle school. And then there's Caleb -- is he ready for first grade? I'm not exactly thrilled with putting him in kindergarten but I'm just not sure he's ready for first grade on the reading level and the maturity level. His feelings are very easy to break.... Surprisingly enough (or perhaps not), I'm not worried about Elizabeth who would be going into kindergarten. Little worried about John feeling left out, though. But what about the homework, getting everyone out the door on time, putting Nathan on a bus, etc, etc, etc. And would putting the older 3 in school really solve the my-house-is-falling-apart problem? After all, kindergarten is only half day so it'd mean a lot of running around still........

Surely it's clear to you now why I'm tired, frustrated, confused, and not knowing which way to turn, yes?

3 comments:

Heather said...

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed with everything. Sometimes you just have to let go and let others help you like putting the kids in public school. Why is Kindergarten only half day? It is a full day here. Anyways, whatever you decide will work out for you and the kids. God will show you the right path to take!

Darby Livingston said...

Don't let your conscience box you into corners that the Bible doesn't. Rejoice not that you have a flock of lovely children, you can homeschool them all to Einsteinian intellect, keep the house like Alice Brady, fry the bacon up in a pan, and at the end of the day not forget your man - rejoice that your name is written in Heaven. Christ's yoke is easy and his burden is light. So don't fret the small stuff like raising kids and keeping house. :)

bauerpower said...

I was wondering where God was/is in this blog of yours, this time. I know you fairly well, and I know you to be more Godly than I most of the time (ok, all of the time). I know you struggle w/a lot of things, and right now the homeschooling is a biggie. I hope Steve will be able to give you much needed insight that you aren't trusting yourself to see. Darby's comment was scary and spot-on. I am sorry that I haven't committed to praying for you more, but I promise to do so moving forward.